She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize