There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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