About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
