you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We need to feng shui this bitch.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
