Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
