The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
