but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
