So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
