Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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