so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My bed smells like the plague
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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