i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
