Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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