the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
