wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize