mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
