And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
