FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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