Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
