My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you had me at cake vodka
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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