I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
