the night ended with taco bell and tears
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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