My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
