don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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