definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
