Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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