After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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