oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
