Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
