Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
