i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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