Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize