gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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