I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drunk is a universal language darling
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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