Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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