i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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