I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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