I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
3pm strippers are depressing
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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