Whod you bang
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
