I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
