I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
