Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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