he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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