This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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