My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize