my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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