I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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