Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize