oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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