two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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