if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
