Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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