woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
