No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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