so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
