Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
thus making me awesome and them whores
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
