I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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