you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
