Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
it was like eating out sand paper
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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