You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
