so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
